


you have always been so brave, my love.

by courage_of_stars



Series: you are not alone. (i've been here the whole time singing you a song.) [1]
Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Mental Health Issues, Period-Typical Homophobia, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27136226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/courage_of_stars/pseuds/courage_of_stars
Summary: "It's not that I want to die. Or leave you. But choosing to stay alive feels so selfish." The rising sun catches on Dani's tears. It's breathtaking, but nowhere near beautiful as the woman holding her hand. "I don't know if I deserve to see this."
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Series: you are not alone. (i've been here the whole time singing you a song.) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058132
Comments: 14
Kudos: 130





	you have always been so brave, my love.

**Author's Note:**

> ****SPOILERS for The Haunting of Bly Manor****
> 
> Warnings: mental health, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, trauma, homophobia

Is today the day?

Has The Beast's roaring grown too loud?

Has its claws sunk in too deep?

Has it caught up with the woman Jamie loves?

Questions strung with anxiety and fear weigh heavily in Jamie's chest. It's uncertain if her heart is still beating. The vital organ stopped when Dani woke her before sunrise, and softly asked to go to the oceanside. It's not Bly Manor. But it's still a body of water. Even larger than the lake at Bly. An ocean reaches far past the seemingly infinite horizon. And surely, its depths run deeper as well.

At least, Dani is asking Jamie to go with her. And there's even a thermos full of coffee. Jamie already knows the coffee won't taste quite right. But it's _Dani's_ coffee. Always earnestly crafted with love and care. The thermos stands in one of the cup holders between them. Jamie has a calloused hand on the steering wheel. Her other hand is cradled in Dani's fingers. They live far from the sea, so the drive draws on for a long time.

But perhaps not long enough. Jamie fights the urge to drive below the speed limit. Sometimes, she has the irrational, desperate, rage-fueled impulse to tear out every sink. Replace the bathtub with a shower stall. Find a way to evaporate all bodies of water. In this hour before dawn, the same fissure of despair burns through her. Jamie has half a mind of turning the car around, and driving into the desert.

The car keeps its course.

If Dani wants to see the ocean, then they'll go to the ocean.

Together, they walk across the sand. Since the sun has yet to wake up, and touch the skies, the sand beneath their feet isn't blistering hot. Fine grains feel soft and cool. Almost alluring. Dani slows to a stop. She spreads a midnight indigo blanket on the ground. After sitting down, Dani gestures for Jamie to join her. They curl up together with another blanket draped around them both. The plaid green and blue fabric keeps out the early morning chill. Jamie wraps her arms around Dani, and presses a kiss to her temple. Dani rests her head upon Jamie's shoulder.

Everything is silent save for the lullaby of rippling waves. A seagull or two passes overhead every so often. A light breeze plays with their hair. Dark and light strands brush across skin. The wind carries the crisp scent of the ocean. 

"It's not just the ghost."

Jamie takes in those words with a slow, measured inhale. The ghost. The Lady of the Lake. Viola. When Jamie and Dani lay together during restless nights, Dani speaks about the ghost living inside of her. Always lurking. Scratching at the interior of her ribcage. Whispering through the crevices of her mind.

Sometimes, Dani's words are fractured, clawing up the inside of her throat, leaving her tongue heavy with the taste of salt from tears, collapsing her lungs with a merciless panic attack. Other times, Dani's words are weary birds with wings weighed down by black oil, fluttering across Jamie's shoulder, and pooling in the hollow above a collarbone.

Even if Dani didn't utter a word, Jamie has seen what a toll this ghost takes on her lover. It surfaces during upbeat conversations when the light suddenly dims in Dani's eyes, and she falls frighteningly quiet. The air in that silence is colored with grey melancholy. Or when Dani braids her hair, runs her fingers through blonde locks to undo everything, braids it all over again, then unravels it some more, and gets caught in a loop of something that used to come so easily to her. Or times when mentioning of the future --whether it be a holiday months later, or a market opening next week-- sparks a firestorm of fear in her eyes.

"Maybe-" Breathless laughter shakes Dani's frame. Even when Jamie cooks so well, Dani is slowly fading into skin and bones. The young woman dabs at her eyes with a sleeve. "Maybe it would be-...easier if it was just the ghost. Or even back when I'd still see-- _him_ in the mirror."

As Dani shakes her head, blonde locks fall askew, and curtain over her eyes. But they don't conceal the profound pain stricken over her face.

"But I'm finally starting to acknowledge that it's not just the ghost." With each following word, the edges serrate with raw anger. The torrid fire is aimed at nobody, but herself. "This sadness, this anxiety, this rage, this fear, _this fucking emptiness--_ " Dani's hand hovers over her chest. Phantom tremors dance through her veins until reaching her fingertips. Her voice falls below the noise of the ocean waves. "--it's all been _in me_ for a very long time. Even _without_ any ghosts, it would still be in me."

Jamie doesn't dry Dani's tears. Not yet. Holding tears in for too long can brew a reservoir of acerbic poison. And when their bodies are already so exhausted, they owe this small kindness to themselves. So, Jamie lets Dani cry. And Jamie doesn't blink too hard to keep her own tears in. As her calloused thumb runs over Dani's skin, Jamie silently encourages her to keep going.

"Having this ghost kinda just-- amplifies everything. And even if there was a miracle where I could just be _me,_ where we could just be _us--_ " Dani looks over at Jamie. A brilliant smile breaks out on her face. It rivals that of the emerging sun painting the ocean's surface in gold. "If there was a miracle where this ghost wouldn't be with us anymore-- maybe everything would be alright." Tears spill from the overflowing hope in her eyes. One blue like the sky. One brown like the earth. "No more sadness. No more fear. No more emptiness."

Slowly, the smile fades. So does the light in Dani's gaze. As light recedes, the cloud of darkness returns. Like a single drop of ink in a glass of water, its dark tendrils spreading, staining everything within reach.

"But the truth is that I'll still go to bed scared of tomorrow. Because it's so--"

Closing her eyes tightly, Dani looks away from Jamie. In guilt. In shame. In heartache. Dani's other hand presses a sleeve against her face. It does little to hide her anguished expression, or muffle her cries. If she tries hard enough, maybe Dani can remake herself into a Pandora's Box. Hold all the darkness inside. Never let it harm anyone else.

But once Jamie touches Dani's ring, the confession breaks free.

" _It's so exhausting to be alive._ And I keep _burdening you_ with this everyday."

When Dani's hand begins to slip away, Jamie holds on tighter. Fingers calloused and sculpted by the earth intertwine with Dani's. As Jamie tightens her grasp, a hard, ugly sob ruptures out of Dani's chest. It's a broken sound that disturbs the halcyon atmosphere of the seaside. And even for that, Dani feels sorry. She doesn't know how to exist anymore without being sorry about everything.

For the first time, since they arrived-- Jamie speaks. 

"You're not a burden. You're _you._ " Jamie kisses the back of Dani's hand. Her lips linger until Jamie presses them against the ring. "And I love everyday with you, darling."

Jamie's words, Jamie's gaze, Jamie's warmth by her side makes Dani cry harder. "Even when I can't get out of bed?

"Yep."

"Or when I can't do the dishes anymore?"

"Mmhm."

"Or when I have nightmares and panic attacks?"

"Yes."

"Or when I still can't make coffee? Or tea? I mean--" Dani worries her lower lip. "At least, I can't make them well."

"Absolutely." The corner of Jamie's mouth pulls up into that signature grin. It brings out the playful twinkle in her eyes. "My god, Poppins. Your coffee and tea are still abysmal as ever. But it's the only way I want to drink them. Remember when Owen visited, and he insisted on making us breakfast? And I said--" Jamie looks to the side, and raises her finger at an imaginary Owen, _"Only if Dani gets to make the coffee."_

Bright, flustered laughter escapes Dani. A sleeve covers her face not to hide tears, but to hide a blush. When Dani blushes, scarlet colors her cheeks, touches her ears, and cascades down her neck. Absolutely lovely. And _oh,_ that smile. That bright, radiant smile. It's a smile that gives a warm, kindhearted glow to everything around her. Surrounding colors flourish with more vivid hues. And there's a dimple that Jamie can't resist kissing. The light peck on the cheek makes Dani laugh some more. A few giggles weave their way in.

But delight is a fleeting moment. It's not as if Dani catches a glimpse of the ghost's faceless visage anywhere around them. But a sudden ache resonates in her chest. Its cause is unknown. Its effect is devastating. Dani doesn't know which is worse: sadness that wears a face, or sadness that has no reason. Dani lives with both.

"It's not that I want to die." A tear chases after the secret breaking free. Like a white dove that's been trapped in her ribcage. Her lips twist in a sad smile. "Or leave you."

The words lacerate at the insides of Dani's mouth like broken glass. She's lived with the metallic taste of blood for so long. And no matter how much she swallows the red, there's always more of it. Just like the sobs that carry too much weight. There's always more. Or like the tears that spill over when Dani sees a newly bloomed moonflower, or the blue bandana in Jamie's hair that's faded with the years, or this glorious sunrise right in front of her. Even after all the horrors Dani has witnessed before, during and after Bly-- the world is still a beautiful place.

"But choosing to stay alive feels so selfish." The rising sun catches on Dani's tears. It's breathtaking, but nowhere near beautiful as the woman holding her hand. "I don't know if I deserve to see this."

"Dani. Poppins. Darling." With each precious name Jamie calls her, it brings Dani's gaze closer. " _There is absolutely nothing selfish about choosing to live._ Actually-" Jamie laughs through a wave of tears. "I believe it's the _bravest_ thing one can do. And you-" While taking in the sight of Dani, she draws in a deep breath. "You have always been so brave, my love."

Jamie sees it in Dani's eyes-- how badly she wants to believe in those words. But war rages inside. And Dani has already been fighting for so long, so hard.

"You know how I feel about fate, right?" Jamie gestures with a hand in the air. "And destiny, crossed stars, all that."

Dani's wry smile gives way to soft laughter. Like wind chimes sparkling with the summer wind. "If you mean how you roll your eyes at any of it, then yeah. I know what you mean."

"It's nonsense." Jamie rolls her eyes for good measure-- and for Dani to hear a little more of her own laughter. It's a sound Jamie never wants her partner to forget. "And that's why I've always believed soulmates are utter nonsense too. Waiting around for someone who's absolutely perfect for you? And you're perfect for them? A guaranteed happily ever after?"

There's a lull of silence. The ocean sings to them. Another passing seagulls joins with their own melody.

"If other people believe in fate, the stars, soulmates, and that works for them-- wonderful. But it doesn't work for me. Because it takes away _choice._ " Jamie holds her gaze on Dani, even as tears surface. "The choice made by a woman who woke up at 5:30 AM, so she could make coffee to give by 6 AM. The choice made by a woman to propose not down on a knee, but with a wounded plant for us to heal. The choice made by a woman to be with another woman when the rest of the world isn't so kind and accepting. And the choice-"

Jamie's voice wavers. So does her inhale. And the light in her eyes as tears fall.

"The choice _you_ make everyday, even when you're tired and hurting and scared, to be here with _me._ So, we can love each other a little longer."

Jamie kisses Dani's ring. Her lips dwell for a searing moment, so each and every word sinks in. When Jamie looks up, she sees tears cascading down Dani's face. Jamie brushes golden strands away, and brings their foreheads together.

"And we'll keep loving each other. No matter what," Jamie whispers fiercely. The promise carries her whole heart. "I don't want a soulmate. I don't want the stars. _I want you._ Even with the ghosts, the sadness, the nights on the bathroom floor-- I choose everyday with you, Dani."

All this time, the ocean has been calling to Dani like a siren song. Tempting her to sing back with a swan song. It's not the lake at Bly Manor. But it's close enough. Like the water filling the bathtub. The kitchen sink. Or the reflecting surface of a glass door with lovely flowers on the other side. For the rest of her life, Dani will hear that siren song. Always wavering, whispering in the background.

But in this moment, as dawn finally greets the world-- Dani's reminded that her life is still a symphony. An orchestra composed of enthralled questions from the curious children she tutors, and the wind chimes twinkling when opening the floral shop's door, and Owen's endearing puns colored by warm chuckles, and Jamie's voice calling her home, murmuring soft words in the dead of night, teaching her about the language of flowers, and whispering three precious words.

And above all else, what strikes Dani as the most powerful chord, the true melody of this symphony is the sound of her own laughter.

"I love you, I love you, I love you so much, _I love you-_ " Dani gasps between hard sobs. She must look awful from crying so much. 

But Jamie still smiles as if Dani is the reason flowers bloom. "I love you too."

As Jamie dries her face, Dani leans into her touch. Something that's been laid to rest in Dani's heart begins to awaken. Even with fear still lurking, Dani reaches for this bird, and mends its wings.

Today, it finally takes flight.

"Summer break is coming up soon. And I'm not teaching summer school this year." Dani traces the callouses on Jamie's hand. "I was wondering if...you'd wanna visit America?" Her eyes flicker upwards to meet Jamie's gaze. Hope flickers in the blues and browns. The rays of light are the smallest of embers. But still shining, warm, and alive. "Or we can go somewhere else. I don't know, maybe it's silly, I just-"

Even if the words are clumsy, they taste pure and good when Jamie presses their lips together. And when Dani sobs against her mouth, Jamie kisses her harder. Jamie's hand cradles her lover's head, fingers intertwining in threads of spun gold. 

"Think it's about time we go on a long overdue honeymoon."

Dani's eyes brighten with a laugh. "But we haven't even had a wedding!"

And perhaps they never will. But Dani and Jamie still carry the hope that someday, the world will be kinder to those who come after them. It may not happen during their lifetime. But perhaps someday, a woman can feel beautiful in the dress she chooses, and walk down the aisle towards the woman she loves.

"But we've got this, right?" Jamie lifts Dani's left hand. She doesn't take her eyes off Dani while kissing the ring. "We can even make this summer into a road trip."

"Oh!" Dani beams even more. Her free hand gestures to draw excited shapes in the air. "And we'll collect postcards along the way! More than one of each place. So that we can send some to Owen."

Jamie tucks a lock of blonde behind Dani's ear. "Maybe we'll mail him a keychain. Or a magnet. Something dreadfully hideous."

Dani reaches to hold Jamie's face in her hands, and rests their foreheads together.

"I love you, Jamie," Dani whispers softly. "Promise me you'll never forget that?"

"Only if you promise me the same." As her hand curls in Dani's hair, Jamie draws in closer. "I love you, too."

Together, they seal the promise with a kiss. When their lips part, laughter fills the space between them.

The sun has fully risen in the sky. Its brilliance pours over the ocean's surface. Everything is painted in gold. The light goes far enough to reach them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading ♡ I hope you enjoyed this story. Bly Manor and Hill House are very close to my heart. 
> 
> I saw my loved ones and myself in Jamie and Dani's story-- the relationship (romantic, platonic, familial, etc.) is you, a loved one, and something that's haunting. Depression. Anxiety. Addiction. And more. Like Dani, I've been on the bathroom floor with someone supporting my weight. And like Jamie, I've stood at the edge of the lake, and shattered by what's under the surface.
> 
> But Bly Manor taught me that even with the ghosts we carry, and the inevitable end-- we love. We love when it's hardest. We love the people near us. And we learn to love ourselves.
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are always appreciated. Take care of yourselves and stay safe ♡♡♡
> 
> REFERENCES / INSPIRATION:  
> \-- Series title: ['Carry You' - Ruelle ft. Fleurie](https://youtu.be/wSacp-aolpo)


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